Tests. No matter what kind of test it may be, I can’t think of any kind of test that doesn’t bring with it some kind of stress or anxiety.

Recently, the July bar results were released, and only three people of everyone I know who took it (50+ people) passed. I cannot begin to imagine the relief and happiness that they feel after studying for so long, investing so much time into preparing for this beast of an examination, only to find out months later that your work has paid off. On the flip side, I cannot imagine being one of the people who didn’t pass — again, pouring your heart, mind and soul into preparation, only to find out that you fell short. The reality is that sometime soon (next year, this time) I will be in one of the two groups. As much as my family/friends would like to be optimistic and encouraging with the “You’re so smart; you’ll definitely pass it!” lines, I know that there’s a grim possibility that it can swing the other way. The bar exam is not so much about whether you’re “smart” enough to pass it, but whether you’re willing to put in the work to memorize what you need to and practice questions/essays to get better at it. My heart and mind say, “Yes, of course I will do the work!”, but I live in the real world where so many things can get in the way and time slips through your fingertips. My lack of motivation and the seemingly large amount of time between now and my time to take the bar conjunctively diminish my effort. I keep telling myself that I will put in the work later, when it’s closer to the exam and I “have more time” but really, there’s no reason why I couldn’t start now. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t start now. Just have to face the music…

Kinda like I’m doing tomorrow. More tests. These are different in nature: medical. As much as I don’t want to get them done, and even though I’d love to just ignore the looming diagnoses and put this off, I won’t. I won’t for the sake of my family, my close friends who might as well be family, and ultimately, for me. I want to live…even if living means doing things differently from here on out for the sake of my health.

via https://dayone.me/2fE7zG1

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