A/N: I decided yesterday that I need to write more. Not just more, but daily. I know that this is something that I’ve told myself to do plenty of times, and clearly, I have never stuck to those goals long-term. So what makes this day any different? Honestly, I don’t even know if I have an answer for that. I don’t know that I won’t quit someday, but at least I’m still trying. That’s the most important part.
For now, just to get into the habit of writing daily, I’ve decided to start by writing at minimum 500 words per day. Ambitious start, I know. But honestly, any writer knows that most times, once we are in the metaphorical zone, we can knock out 500 words fairly easy.
Now I don’t have any particular guidelines for myself other than the word count requirement. I didn’t want to box myself in by setting too many parameters, so I figure that my choice of topics and styles will vary depending on what is happening in life at that particular moment on that particular day. When I decided to start this, I found tons of places where prompts where offered, but I can get picky when it comes to writing, and sometimes prompts are stifling rather than liberating, and in my opinion writing is all about liberation. We (or I) write to be free of ourselves and our world. It’s an opportunity to explore other worlds, or even our own, without judgment. With all that has been going on in my day-to-day life, mental freedom is exactly what I need, so don’t expect this journey of mine to follow a particular set of rules. You’ll probably end up getting a mix of poetry, stories, rants, thoughts, and basically anything else that you can think of.
So now that that’s out of the way, onto what’s on my mind at this particular moment in time…
Earlier this evening, I picked up this book called Fangirl that I was given on my birthday Monday night. (Just a quick word of caution – if you haven’t read the book yet, there will be some spoilers ahead.) I’m about halfway into it, and I came to a point in the story where the main character, Cath, kissed her roommate’s (Raegan) boyfriend, Levi. As it turns out, they are no longer dating, and hadn’t been since high school. Raegan has trouble being faithful to her boyfriends, so she ends up not being offended by it, but it takes quite a bit of convincing on Raegan’s part to get Cath to calm down and not feel so crummy about what happened. Cath was upset even after finding out that there was no relationship there because she chose to kiss Levi while under the presumption that he was Raegan’s boyfriend at the time. Understandable. I tried to keep reading, but my mind started to wander after this part of the book because of my own experiences with infidelity.
I didn’t really start dating until I was in high school. I wasn’t really one of those girls who was boy crazy, mainly because I was always involved in so many different things. I was a Straight-A honor student, on the newspaper team, played sports, in art clubs, a recreational pot-smoker, in band, and so many other random things. As things would have it, I dated off and on, but for some reason, I had a really hard time staying faithful to the people I was with. It had nothing to do with them at all, in most cases. To be honest, during those time, I don’t think that I stopped to think about why I was doing what I was doing. I just did it.
Now, before I go on, I guess I should be a little clear so that I don’t come off as that girl. When I say that I wasn’t faithful, I mean emotionally, and occasionally a kiss here or there. In my entire life, I’ve only had sexual relations with three people – my first girlfriend, whom I dated for 2 years; my second girlfriend, whom I dated for around 6 years; and my husband, whom I have been married to going on 5 years in October. So I wasn’t the town floosy or anything like that, but I definitely wasn’t above a good make out session, and I had a tendency to get emotionally attached to others, which can be just as bad as physical infidelity.
Anyway. A lot of my relationships tend to overlap. For example, I can’t exactly recall the moment that girlfriend number one and I ended our relationship. What I can recall is that I was already emotionally involved with girlfriend number two when the first relationship did end because we had been talking and sneaking off to spend time with each other during relationship number one.
Looking back, I suppose there are a lot of factors that contribute to my infidelity. If I’m completely honest with myself, my own insecurities have a lot to do with my inability to be completely satisfied in one relationship. Back then, I didn’t ever think very much of myself, so if I was able to get attention from other people (regardless of the fact that I might already be otherwise “committed” to someone) then I would take advantage of that situation because it made me feel better. I felt worth something – anything. It’s almost like I would get into this delusional state where I didn’t necessarily believe what my significant other would tell me.
“I love you.” But do you really?
“You’re pretty.” Hmm, I’m not really sure. Maybe if others tell me that I’m pretty, then I’ll know that you’re not just saying that.
“I can spend the rest of my life with you.” Really? I don’t think you can. Eventually, I will mess up, and you will leave. I should be prepared for that.
The examples are endless.
It took me many years to realize my self-worth, and even after so much time it’s a struggle that I find myself battling on occasion. My marriage has been the only relationship not plagued by infidelity, and it’s reassuring to me to know that I don’t have to go elsewhere to seek what he can give me. Does that mean that every day is easy, and I’m never insecure? Hell no. But life is a lot better than it used to be.
All I can say is that if someone is cheating, whether it be physically or emotionally, odds are that there is something that they are struggling with, not the victim of the infidelity. Now, it’s very possible that the victim could have contributed, but it’s not fair to place all the blame on them. I know that every situation is unique, and there are a gazillion factors that could come into play, but I’m simply offering my experience as a former cheater. For what it is worth, that is.
Peace out Brussel sprouts.