Just thoughts. 

I don’t feel like a good person. I wanted to open with that because once the truth is stated, there’s nothing left to hide. I could have done so much more with my life up to this point. I didn’t. I’m selfish. I always have been. Some regrets we carry until the day we die.


I feel numb…numb to reality, numb to the stagnant air of refuse discarded by society. I have brain cancer. There’s a destructive cell in my brain that is supposed to spread through my system, attacking me, killing me from the inside. 

No matter what I do, the numbness stays. Day by day, it grows. It grew as my hair disappeared. It grew as I lost weight. It grew as I clung to hope.

Sometimes it feels like I’m watching myself from a distance, like I’m watching myself die from a vantage point, a safe point lost within my insecurities and fears. There are so many questions I want to ask myself but I’m afraid if my answers might be. 

Am I afraid of dying?

Do I hate God for this?

Sometimes the numbness is apathy. Other times it’s denial. But mostly, I think it’s sadness. Sadness and fear. 

People continue to say: “Live your life!” It sounds like the right thing to say, but how do you explain to people what this burden feels like? How do I explain my bouts of random crying or sudden onset of melancholy? Already this has become “old news” for most people I know. The calls and visits dissipated already. I understand that even though my life has been halted by cancer, that doesn’t mean that my friends’ and family’s lives have stopped moving forward. I didn’t (and don’t) expect pity forever. I suppose that it’s just a bit harder to cope on the days when I don’t hear from anyone. I’m grateful for the few who still reach out. They don’t know how much means when I feel surrounded by darkness. 

At the request of my family, I have a doctor’s appointment to see my primary physician about how I feel. I’m tired of feeling the way I do, so anything that will help is welcome. I’ve been praying and reading my bible, and Pintresting all the inspirational things I can find, but I don’t feel any less of a shell of my former self. I just hope that the restless nights and unhappy days go away soon.

2 thoughts on “Just thoughts. 

  1. JOSELYN VILLANUEVA says:

    It’s difficult for me to talk about this stuff mainly because my brother was diagnosed with cancer in March of this year. Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma of the Lacrimal Gland.
    It happened all so quickly. From one day to the next it felt like. He had been diagnosed and then just a few days later he had a biopsy. They also wanted to see if it had spread anywhere else or if it was just around the eye, luckily it hadn’t. So then the next thing was either removal of the whole eye or possibly chemotherapy depending on the pathology results. Well, he ended up getting his eye removed and had radiation after. He finished his last radiation session about a couple of weeks ago. They did a scan and it still showed something. The MD said they felt it was just inflammation from the radiation so he has to get another scan soon to see if he is cancer free.
    Throughout the whole experience I felt numb. Mainly because my niece was born August 21, 2015. All I could think was why? How could this happen? He just had a child. I felt like this was unreal and it wasn’t even I who was going through it. I could see my brother’s frustration. He’d get depressed. The way he’d tell me “I’m going to die Joselyn” and it would create a knot in my throat. & it frustrated me because there was nothing I could do or anyone for that matter.
    I have read your posts and the way you write about it was like how my brother was. After a bit I started thinking well of course we want to be hopeful but also it is important to be realistic and know that this isn’t a game. Especially when it’s you who is living through it.

    When I saw your post on facebook I literally just stopped everything. I re-read your post over and over and then I went and looked at the pictures I have from your wedding.
    I just want you to know, even though we haven’t stayed in touch, I have had you in my thoughts & have been praying for you and your family. I also have a candle lit for you next to my brothers. If you need anything I am here for you!

    With lots of love,
    Joselyn

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Joselyn!

      I’m so sorry that it took me so long to reply. I read your comment as soon as it came in, but as I’m sure you know, things are up and down when cancer is involved. It has a way of coming in and upending your entire life: your day-to-day habits, your future, everything. Nothing is left untouched.

      Your brother’s story saddens me, even though I don’t know him. This has affected me so much, and I don’t have children, nor have I had to have a vital part of me removed, so I can’t begin to imagine how much worse it is for him since he has a daughter and is now having to deal with living life with reduced visibility. How is he doing? Have they been able to do more scans to see if he is progressing well and responded to treatments? Let him know that he has been and will continue to be in my prayers.

      I often look back at our wedding pictures, and it always makes me smile when I see you. I remember our crazy shenanigans from Chem lab, and I chuckle to myself. I know that life took us in different directions, but I will always consider you my dear friend, and I can’t wait until the day that we are able to get together and catch up.

      I love you, doll.
      xoxo
      Holly Marie

      Like

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