Emotions are fickle

Today was emotional for me.

I don’t really have a reason for being emotional today, other than the fact that I just woke up feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and anxious without cause.

Radiation went well, considering the fact that you know, its radiation. Afterward, I was scheduled to see Dr. H (my psychiatrist at the cancer center), but I had a gap in between appointments, so I went to the quiet zone patient waiting area. I was just sitting there in a recliner, waiting patiently, then I began to look around at the other patients around me, and I had this overwhelming realization that I was surrounded by death. We are all sitting here, dying, faster than healthy people. The thought made me want to run, far and fast. I know that one day we will all die, but this, this was a different notion altogether. Death was palpable; you could taste it in your mouth like a rotten sunflower seed.

I wasn’t sure what to do, so I started texting Mosha, knowing he wouldn’t be able to answer right away. Before I could get a few sentences sent, the tears starts flowing uncontrollably, and I was trying to hide the fact that I was losing my marbles in the midst of a bunch of familiar strangers. They have their own life/death/cancer struggles, and they bloody well don’t need me reminding them of those woes with my tears and anxiety.

Eventually, I reached out to mom to let her know what I was feeling. Moms always have a way of making you feel better. In this case, she confessed to me her own plight, letting me know that since they left she has been struggling greatly with the fact that in this situation, she is helpless and can’t make this go away for me. A mother’s love always amazes me. I know she would take this burden from me if she could.

In the end, talking to her did help me. Knowing that she is also struggling with this was someone of a relief to me, and also allowed me to step outside of my own emotions to offer comfort to her. It’s always easier to deal with such a great burden when you’re not so focused on it. Focusing on her and helping her to deal with this makes me feel better because I feel like I’m actually doing something worthwhile rather than stewing in my own pity.

I wish I could say that focusing on her angst completely relieved me of mine, but as soon as my appointment was over and I was able to speak to Mosha on the phone, I lost my composure all over again. I really feel for him, too. I know it doesn’t help when I call him and vent or lose control of myself, but he is my comfort, my partner, my everything. I can tell that it worried him to hear me so lost and upset, especially because he kept saying he couldn’t wait to get home to see me. It can’t be settling for him to deal with me in that state from far away, knowing that he won’t be home for hours to offer comfort. But eventually, he did. He made it home, and he was able to comfort me and just be there. Sometimes, that’s the best medicine.

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