Doors.

Doors. I never knew how scary they could be.

I’m currently sitting in a small medical office, waiting for my doctor to knock on the door before he enters to go over my lab results — results that I already know aren’t positive. I’m not being pessimistic. If you pay attention to your body, you’ll know when things aren’t right. My body has been screaming at me for a long time now, but the cancer had always overridden the diabetes and fibromyalgia. But, as Dr. S. said last week, “it’s time.” Time to get it all under control. Time to stop neglecting the rest of my problems in lieu of the greater ones.

I can hear voices outside the door: other patients and medical staff. Focusing on them does little to calm my anxiety. I don’t want to be here. I want to walk out of the door and not come back. But that would be the irresponsible thing to do. The adult and rational part of me knows that I have to stay. I have to wait for that inevitable knock and the news that is to follow.

Medical Update

I received a call from my doctor’s office this morning. They were calling to schedule some preliminary diagnostic tests to test my brain functions such as my memory, comprehension, word recall, etc. Then, depending on my results, I will be sent to specialized therapists to begin sessions. My diagnostic testing is scheduled one week from today — Thursday, 11/3 in the afternoon.

I’m also currently scheduled to start chemo again on Monday, 11/21, but I realized that that is Thanksgiving week. I would hate to be feeling crummy and having to watch everyone enjoy Thanksgiving dinner without me, so I think that I’m going to try and push back chemo to the following week. I also have a tradition of decorating my house for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving, so I think that if I can get the doctors to reschedule me, it will be for the best.